To Whom it May Concern:

Thank you for mailing me the  6  glossy, binder-ready fact sheets about various world animals.  I always wanted to know what an African Dik-Dik looked like or what regions I could travel to if I wanted to see a Fennec Fox up close and personal. I am happy to know that to avoid the King Cobra’s 16.5 foot body I should also avoid South and Southeast Asia, though I am sad to have to cancel my trip to Cambodia now that you have imparted me with this knowledge.  But as your literature states, looking at these “Explorer  fold out cards” is just like being there in person (and I save the plane fare).

I am also excited that I, out of millions of people, have been selected for a special bonus gift.  My secret, golden scratch off has revealed that I have qualified for the biggest of bonuses… the binder to store these lovely cards, 36 more cards of your choosing, and 9 “quick find divider cards” that introduce the various category of creature: mammal, reptile, etc.  And that you are throwing in an “Adventure Flashlight” valued at $19.95 has shown me that I truly am special among your clientele.

Of course I will send back my scratch off affixed to the enclosed form, and I will place my bonus flashlight sticker in the circle provided, mail it in the postage paid envelope included, and I agree to pay only shipping and handling for my free gifts.  And in the tiniest of print that I can barely read I will also agree to be mailed new cards at monthly intervals costing way more than their actual worth, plus shipping and handling (how else could you off-set the cost of the $70.85 free adventure pack and bonus flashlight?).

And for the rest of my days I will receive more cards than their are animals in the kingdom.  And I have to, as the 6 initial cards I received have sparked my OCD by providing me Group 1: Mammals, Cards 1 and 4, Group 2: Birds, Card 17, Group 3: Reptiles and Amphibians, Cards 3 and 9 and Group 4: Fish, Card 7.  My life cannot exist with such chaos, and now I must accept this Free Adventure to collect all the cards, neatly and properly arrange them in my free binder divided by  my 9 free “quick finder divider cards” and restore my life to order.

I can’t imagine anyone passing on this fabulous offer.  The bright red note reading “STOP! Do Not Break This Seal– unless you have definitely decided not to claim you Free Gift Package,” folded and glued shut tempting rebels to break it open despite their desire for Free Wildlife Adventure, is almost an unnecessary measure.  So is the guilt- laden prose, over abundance of exclamation points, and bold, underlined text stressing that this offer is Free! worth up to $70.85 and comes with a bonus Adventure Flashlight. The assurances of the company’s marketing director make me feel warm and fuzzy about your product, and you can rest assured, my entry into your exclusive club of animal lovers is in the mail.

I hope you don’t mind, but I am paying the shipping and handling for my Free Adventure in nickles.  The “Save the Children” charities keep sending me nickles, daring that if I care about the poor I would not throw my money away, rather send it back to them.

However, they do not offer a Free Adventure Flashlight.